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Love <3

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Love <3

Postby jdidds » Tue Jul 29, 2014 8:17 am

Not sure if I should really share this here, it´s an open forum after all. I just don't know what to do, nor who to talk to. So I'll share here....

I met a girl a few months back, we'll call her I. She's amazing and we have so much in common. I really felt like I saw a future with her. Our first date was amazing and we had many great dates after that.

but..

There has been a bit of insecurity from my part. We dated a while and decided we'd be together, but then it got a little too much for me and I broke up with her. We kept in touch and we still hung out all the time. In the way we where and behaved, we where still together even though it must have been so hard for her because I was such a dick.

I'm an idiot. I started to have feelings for a colleague at work, and confessed to this girl I was kinda together with, that I was unsure because of this other woman. And now, those feelings for my colleague have gone, and I realised it was nothing more than curiosity perhaps. It's been a hard few weeks me and I us, but my feelings have grown even more and now I'm totally in love with her. And they sky rocketed when I saw what she did for my birthday and how much I thought she loved me. I realised that this is what I want, she is the woman I want to be with and I can really see a future there. I want things back to the way they where and I've told her that I regret so deeply that I did the things I did and that I ruined the start of our relationship.

She forgave me and after a couple of weeks I asked her what we where. I asked if she wants us to be officially together and she said yes. We went away to her cabin for a week and I noticed something was a little off. I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach the whole time and it was totally awful. I accepted this though, as I thought I had to suffer a bit for all the shit I've put her through. But the feeling didn't go away and an I asked her what was going on. Now she's unsure if she wants to be with me, she doesn't know what it is she is unsure about. And that makes it harder.

At the end of that week it was her birthday and she asked me not to come because she doesn't want her friends to know we are together, if we are at all, yet. Which I totally understand seeming as she's been burnt by me before. Though she asked me to come back to the cabin the week after, which is where I'm writing from now.

I can't relax around her now, and I know I'm just pushing her away. She says she likes me, misses me when I'm not there and that she wants to be together with me, but she needs time. But I'm not even sure if she really does now. And it's a horrible feeling thinking that she may break up with me in a few weeks.

I feel really lost. I don't know how to be around her. I'm head over heels in love with her now and it just feels awful not to have her look at me the way she used to, or kiss me or cuddle me etc. She does these things, but seldom.

I'm considering leaving the cabin and heading home. But in doing this I'm afraid I'll push her further away. And once I'm home I'll have to deal with all my thoughts about what I've done and how I can try to get her back. I just don't know. I want to tell her I love her, as I really do, but I'm scared that will push her away even more.

:(

I want you back by Take That is on the radio as I'm writing this. How typical is that.
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Re: Love <3

Postby Canawa » Tue Jul 29, 2014 8:52 am

Aww, buddy, it's okay Jdidds. Come in game I'll cuddle you.

On a more serious note: I'm not good with relationship advice, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone if you need to talk to someone. Hit me up (PM me. I have access 24hours a day on my phone.)
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Re: Love <3

Postby jdidds » Tue Jul 29, 2014 9:15 am

Thanks Canawa, but my character isn't the cuddly type ;-)

Just to add: I know I don't deserve her. I really don't, not after everything I've done. So if there are any of you that thought to comment about that, please spare me.
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Re: Love <3

Postby Brian » Tue Jul 29, 2014 9:18 am

My current story is very similar to this one, Jdidds. I was seeing a woman and everything was going really great. We fell for each other, pretty hard and pretty fast. However, I was in a place where I wasn't sure I was ready for the commitment of doing life as a pair, so I held back. I decided that I was going to move away from her for school and broke up with her. She was devastated by this, really really hurt. I moved away and was going along doing my thing and began to have a growing unhappiness and longing. By mid-November (having moved away at the end of August) I knew that I had made a big mistake. I telephoned her and began the process of trying to make amends.

The thing about it was that -I- had broken up with her, against her will, and in the meantime, though there had been a lot of sadness, she was actively trying to move forward with her life. When I phoned her to tell her I had made a mistake and I wanted to be with her I think the emotion that was most present was anger, anger that I would snarfagle up something that had been going well and then come back as if I could just pick it up again. That emotion of betrayal is something that we had to work through for a long time. I knew that I had screwed up and it was up to me to show her that I was ready to make amends for it. For probably the first year of being back together there was still hesitancy and uncertainty at times from her on whether she was doing the right thing. It was difficult for me to hear, but I realised that the uncertainty was a direct result of what I had done. Though it was unsettling for me and it brought me down at times, it was in my mind the price I had to pay for putting things back together with this amazing woman. Rather than letting it throw me off I needed to meet it, accept it, and with steadfastness and love show her that she didn't need to be uncertain anymore, that I wasn't going to betray her trust again.

For us, that was where the uncertainty came from, fear that I would do what I had done so casually before. It has been a really uphill road, but we're still together 3 and a half years later, and we're in a strong, loving place now.

I noticed you said that you want things back the way they were; I'm sorry, but it's my experience that they won't go back to the way they were, probably not ever. Actions like these leave a scar, and that scar won't ever go away, and you can't reset to how you were before. The task now is to build something anew and it will be different, and it will be informed by the actions of the past. It won't be that first blush, heady love you have with someone who has never hurt you, because unfortunately, you and I hurt our partners with our actions.

The best thing that I can recommend is to be patient, so patient, and to have acceptance and support for her process. If she says she is unsure, tell her that it's alright that she is unsure, but that -you- are sure, and then show her that you are sure that you love her. Show her with your words and your actions. Be a supporting partner, able to absorb the uncertainty without taking it in to yourself and making it your own. I can't speak for her, but I think she wants to see that you are so sure, that this isn't another of the moment decision.

The other thing that I have learned (and the women here can feel free to correct me!) is that one of the things that women want is for their emotions to be witnessed and validated. My first impulse, as a man, is to hear something and to want to try and fix it right away. It has proven time and again with my partner that this is not what she wants. What she wants is for me to really listen without trying to change the situation, to acknowledge her and to really try and understand. She wants me to accept her for where she's at, and to give her the kind of support that she needs, not the kind that -I- think she needs or should have. Ultimately, when I try to fix these things, it's usually because I am uncomfortable, which is really shifting the attention away from her and what she needs, which in turn shows that I'm more concerned for myself and my own discomfort/insecurity than with what she's going through!

To sum up, I think that this is the result of what's transpired between you and at this point it's up to you to show her compassionate, steadfast, all-accepting love and support. It can take a long time to really re-establish that trust, but if this is what you want that's the road you have to be ready for.

ETA: You posted a little comment just before I did so I'll add to that. Saying that you don't deserve her really isn't the way to approach this. If that is what you really believe, then why would she think that she should be with you? You haven't done anything evil or fundamentally wrong, but you've made a mistake. Mistakes can be rectified between people with the will to do so, but thinking that you are unworthy or bad isn't going to win her over! You have to forgive yourself and think positively about yourself. I think a more constructive attitude would be to acknowledge that you've made a mistake (like all people do) and know that now you are going to learn from it and be a better man, and then to show her the love and support that you want to share with her, not because you are unworthy, but because you ARE worthy of sharing those emotions, and so is she.
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Re: Love <3

Postby Canawa » Tue Jul 29, 2014 9:35 am

I guess if we're sharing stories:

Mine isn't quite like either of yours. I fell in love with a girl and she reciprocated those same feelings. After a month and a half of dating she moved away to college and I remained where I was working my job. The drive time between us was about two and a half hours but we made it work to see each other 3 out of 4 weekends of the the month.

I was running low on money and becoming incredibly stressed out at my job so we saw each other less and less. Eventually I had a mental break down and threatened to commit suicide. I spent a few nights in the hospital and after a few days I was allowed to go home.

At the time I thought the relationship was toxic and told her that we couldn't date anymore. I then moved back home with my family so that I could try to stabilize my life and pushed this girl farther and farther away. Now we don't talk and I am more lonely than I have ever been.
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Re: Love <3

Postby EltanimRas » Tue Jul 29, 2014 10:17 am

jdidds wrote:stuff

Disclaimer: I'm married to Riv. I know nothing about relationships with normal people, so don't blame me if following any of this advice ruins your life. That said:

1. Telling her you love her: If you find yourself in a nice romantic moment together and it feels natural, then by all means go ahead. If, on the other hand, you're having a serious and potentially awkward relationship conversation (with a girl who's already said she needs time), then consider skipping ahead. Pretend you've told her, and she's asked you what you mean by it. Then tell her that instead. Maybe that's "I know I was a flake/jerk earlier in our relationship, but the more time goes by, the more I realize that you're a fantastically awesome girl and I really want things to work out for us -- and I have every intention of doing a better job holding up my end from here on out." Maybe it's "I know I've been awkward and not as fun to be around as I could recently, but that's just because [see prior statement]." Maybe it's something more descriptive of your subjective feelings, or maybe it's something else altogether. Give it some thought?

2. Her needing time: Make sure you know what 'time' means to her. Is it time physically or electronically apart? (It doesn't sound like this is the case, since she's invited you back out to the cabin.) Is it time where you're hanging out together, but holding back on physical affection? Or is it just a break from relationship analysis and definition? Whatever the case may be, make sure she realizes you're holding back on those things out of respect for her wishes and not because you're uninterested or uncertain yourself.

3. Leaving the cabin: Don't do this unless you've explicitly discussed with her why you're doing it and you've both decided it's for the best. Most especially, don't assume it's what she prefers unless she's plainly told you so. (If you really think she wants it and is uncomfortable asking, you can bring the topic up, but be careful not to make her guess why you're doing it -- I'm pretty sure the guesses most people would come up with would not be happy ones!)
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Re: Love <3

Postby Red » Tue Jul 29, 2014 9:59 pm

Lol, come on Romeo suck it up.

In and out, rinse and repeat.
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Re: Love <3

Postby tehkory » Tue Jul 29, 2014 10:02 pm

Red wrote:Lol, come on Romeo suck it up.

In and out, rinse and repeat.


And then there's the Zerero School of Posting, otherwise known as, "I can't say anything nice but I sure as hell can't not say anything, because otherwise who would know I exist?"


Love's rough, but of all the advice I've read here, EltanimRas's is the best. Communication is the groundwork you're looking for, and understanding that two people can define 'space' or 'time' or any of those other Important Words very very very differently is probably the first step to being an adult.
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Re: Love <3

Postby Red » Tue Jul 29, 2014 10:06 pm

Canawa wrote:I guess if we're sharing stories:

Mine isn't quite like either of yours. I fell in love with a girl and she reciprocated those same feelings. After a month and a half of dating she moved away to college and I remained where I was working my job. The drive time between us was about two and a half hours but we made it work to see each other 3 out of 4 weekends of the the month.

I was running low on money and becoming incredibly stressed out at my job so we saw each other less and less. Eventually I had a mental break down and threatened to commit suicide. I spent a few nights in the hospital and after a few days I was allowed to go home.

At the time I thought the relationship was toxic and told her that we couldn't date anymore. I then moved back home with my family so that I could try to stabilize my life and pushed this girl farther and farther away. Now we don't talk and I am more lonely than I have ever been.



That's pretty intense man, have you been to some sort of counciling for this?

Lol, tehkory. Maybe I am just not in that part of my life where relationships are this incredibly complex and overly-thought-out process. It’s more of a hello and goodbye situation.

Relationships are as hard as you want them to be. If it's not working out or you're second guessing, stop wasting your time and move on before you get caught up in the drama and further damage your insecurities.
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Re: Love <3

Postby jdidds » Wed Jul 30, 2014 2:25 am

Thanks for all the advice guys! And thanks for sharing Brian and Canawa. I'll post more later most likely, but my internet isn't great up here.
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Re: Love <3

Postby EltanimRas » Wed Jul 30, 2014 4:02 am

Good luck!
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Re: Love <3

Postby jdidds » Wed Jul 30, 2014 5:00 am

EltanimRas wrote:
jdidds wrote:stuff


2. Her needing time: Make sure you know what 'time' means to her. Is it time physically or electronically apart? (It doesn't sound like this is the case, since she's invited you back out to the cabin.) Is it time where you're hanging out together, but holding back on physical affection? Or is it just a break from relationship analysis and definition? Whatever the case may be, make sure she realizes you're holding back on those things out of respect for her wishes and not because you're uninterested or uncertain yourself.


It definitely doesn't seem to mean neither physically or electronically. I actually don't really know what she means with this. She clearly wants me to be here with her, and she also is not withholding physical contact, it just happens less than it used to.

Yesterday we talked a little, and I said that maybe we shouldn't see each other for a couple of weeks. She asked if that was what I wanted, and I said it's not, but it's difficult for me to relax around her and be myself. I got the impression that this is definitely not what she wanted.

I just cannot relax around her at the moment. I could before all this started, she was one of the few people I felt I could really be myself with, say what I wanted and not be afraid of saying something dumb. She loved that and said she felt the same with me.

Now my mind is in overdrive constantly. I can't help but wonder if she is doing the same to me as I did to her, maybe she met someone else too and just doesn't want to tell me? There is no reason not to trust her though, and she says she has always told me the truth. I know many people say this, and that mostly it's not the truth, but I really believe that with her. She's not the type to flirt with other guys, not in a serious way. Though she goes out a lot with her friends. Although it's always a possibility, I just don't think she would do that to me, and not now, since she says she's wanted to be with me from the very beginning and she reminds me of this when we talk relationshippy things. I hate my imagination, it runs rampant the majority of the time.

ETA: Example of my insecurity. She went away today to the store in the local town. She looked fantastic, smelled amazing. I'm messed up. Is she going to meet someone? I followed her out in to the hall, took her in my arms and kissed her. I wanted to her to feel like I really meant it, like it was a last kiss goodbye, something she would remember and think about. She responded quite well I think. I'm a completely dumb for thinking anything suspicious. I don't even know where this mistrust comes from. I know it's a dangerous and slippery slope that I'm walking on and if this continues it won't end well either way. If there is something going on, I would much rather hear it than keep going through this. I just don't think I can do anything to get her back. The only thing she wants me to do is be myself, but I'm really struggling to do that.

I'm telling too much on an open forum, and I don't like that so much. I just need somewhere to air all these thoughts and processes and I'm very much alone with them and it's absolutely horrible to have no one to talk to.

Much of my insecurity comes from my past, which I have never managed to come over fully. I find it hard to believe that someone would want to be with me. I work my ass off, I don't have an education, but I am good at what I do for a living, and I believe I'm a nice guy. People generally like me, both at work and the few friends I have here (I live in another country from the one I grew up in. I have no family here, just my four year old son and finding friends is a hard task as it's a socially cold climate). I quite messed up in my head and lack confidence in my self. This feeling of low self worth oozes out of me and people often see it straight away. I often think she could do much better, and this is never a good start to anything. Why should she like me when I don't like myself? I've suffered from depression the last years and I've come over the worst of it, but I feel it coming back slowly, especially now.

3. Leaving the cabin: Don't do this unless you've explicitly discussed with her why you're doing it and you've both decided it's for the best. Most especially, don't assume it's what she prefers unless she's plainly told you so. (If you really think she wants it and is uncomfortable asking, you can bring the topic up, but be careful not to make her guess why you're doing it -- I'm pretty sure the guesses most people would come up with would not be happy ones!)


If I where to leave, I'd tell her why. I wouldn't just pack my things and go. Pretty sure I'd never hear from her again if I did that.

Part of me really wishes I could be a guy that just does not care. Could go out and meet whoever and do whatever. But this is not me, it's not who I am. I cannot be that man and the stronger part of me knows this, nor does he want to be this man either. I care too much about the people I am involved with; at work, friends and romantic partners.
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Re: Love <3

Postby EltanimRas » Thu Jul 31, 2014 12:16 am

jdidds wrote:If I were to leave, I'd tell her why. I wouldn't just pack my things and go. Pretty sure I'd never hear from her again if I did that.


Oops, I meant more -- make sure your reasons aren't unclear or misunderstood -- I didn't mean to imply you'd just up and disappear.

Otherwise, man. Do you have access to any kind of professional counseling? Could you get access? I don't know about other people, but all of my experience says that the kind of irrational/hard-to-control doubts, worries, etc. that you're describing are generally both (a) hard to work through on your own and (b) seriously rough on a relationship. Never mind the possibility of depression.

Cheesebun?

:nom:
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Re: Love <3

Postby jdidds » Thu Jul 31, 2014 1:21 am

EltanimRas wrote:
jdidds wrote:If I were to leave, I'd tell her why. I wouldn't just pack my things and go. Pretty sure I'd never hear from her again if I did that.


Oops, I meant more -- make sure your reasons aren't unclear or misunderstood -- I didn't mean to imply you'd just up and disappear.

Otherwise, man. Do you have access to any kind of professional counseling? Could you get access? I don't know about other people, but all of my experience says that the kind of irrational/hard-to-control doubts, worries, etc. that you're describing are generally both (a) hard to work through on your own and (b) seriously rough on a relationship. Never mind the possibility of depression.

Cheesebun?

:nom:


No, I don't. :(
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Re: Love <3

Postby jdidds » Thu Jul 31, 2014 12:01 pm

I left.

I told her I love her, that I want to be with her, but that this was too difficult for me to change my thought pattern whilst we where together in all this uncertainty.

She won't be home for another two weeks. I only hope the time apart will do us both good, that maybe when I get back in to work that I can relax a little. That maybe she will want to come back to me, but right now I have little hope.

Now I can barely think about anything else but her. I miss her terribly.
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Re: Love <3

Postby Canawa » Thu Jul 31, 2014 4:35 pm

*hug*

On a lighter note; you gonna eat that cheesebun?
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Re: Love <3

Postby EltanimRas » Thu Jul 31, 2014 9:02 pm

jdidds wrote:I told her I love her, that I want to be with her, but that this was too difficult for me to change my thought pattern whilst we where together in all this uncertainty.

She won't be home for another two weeks. I only hope the time apart will do us both good, that maybe when I get back in to work that I can relax a little.

The internet approves. But, no, seriously, it sounds like you made a good decision and handled it well.

Meanwhile, one place legit enough to get linked by the NHS (though I know nothing personally about them) that seems to offer free online counseling: Relate.
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Re: Love <3

Postby jimhabegger » Thu Jul 31, 2014 9:35 pm

jdidds, this thought came to me: Zoom out.

And maybe, zoom in.

To zoom out, for example, think of the situation you're discussing here as part of a much larger picture, then zoom out, and look at the rest of the picture all around.

To zoom in, for example, look at one small part of the situation you're discussing, and zoom in on one of its finer details.

Disclaimer: This is a new idea to me, and I haven't tried it yet, myself.
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Re: Love <3

Postby Oblivion » Fri Aug 01, 2014 1:27 am

On a rather neutral note:

Good or bad, I'd have to say I'm jealous of you folks with any romantic experiences at all. For most of my life, my interactions with the opposite sex have been, how do you say, casual.

The fact that you are conflicted about a situation where you have a significant other is, in my mind, an experience all on it's own. Whether it goes awry or goes your way, it's something I haven't had at all in my 30 years of life. So don't ever think that what you have isn't worthwhile, it's experiencing life on levels that some of us never can/do. Take that how you will, but know that even if things don't go how you hope, there are folks out there jealous of even that. And you should feel good about yourself for being able to experience that part of life.
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Re: Love <3

Postby jdidds » Fri Aug 01, 2014 2:05 am

Oblivion wrote:On a rather neutral note:

Good or bad, I'd have to say I'm jealous of you folks with any romantic experiences at all. For most of my life, my interactions with the opposite sex have been, how do you say, casual.

The fact that you are conflicted about a situation where you have a significant other is, in my mind, an experience all on it's own. Whether it goes awry or goes your way, it's something I haven't had at all in my 30 years of life. So don't ever think that what you have isn't worthwhile, it's experiencing life on levels that some of us never can/do. Take that how you will, but know that even if things don't go how you hope, there are folks out there jealous of even that. And you should feel good about yourself for being able to experience that part of life.


:(

Very true Oblivion. Thank you for sharing that. I do hope you can experience it one time, and I do hope it is a positive experience. It's so easy to forget that, at the end of the day, it is something we can be happy with experiencing. And is one of life's many wonderful experiences that we should cherish, even though right now it feels like a truly terrible position to sit in.
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Re: Love <3

Postby jdidds » Fri Aug 01, 2014 4:42 am

jimhabegger wrote:jdidds, this thought came to me: Zoom out.

And maybe, zoom in.

To zoom out, for example, think of the situation you're discussing here as part of a much larger picture, then zoom out, and look at the rest of the picture all around.

To zoom in, for example, look at one small part of the situation you're discussing, and zoom in on one of its finer details.

Disclaimer: This is a new idea to me, and I haven't tried it yet, myself.


I know that when I zoom out, it' s just a little thing and rather insignificant in the big picture. But it's the little things that tend to get to me the most. The here and now. I know it'll work out alright either way in the long run and if she does't come back, it'll be fine after a while.

Right now it feels like the whole world to me, it effects every thing. As long as I don't think about it, I manage, but it's so easy to get back in to that thought that she's not coming back. That I'm just hanging on the edge now, waiting to drop. I have a few more days of holiday, but I'm not enjoying them at all. I'm just looking forward to getting back in to work so I can have something to take my mind off things and pass the time to when I find out what she wants.
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Re: Love <3

Postby jimhabegger » Fri Aug 01, 2014 8:15 pm

jdidds, I don't imagine that your suspicions etc., that are getting in the way, are going to go away overnight. That may or may not mean that you'll lose her. She might still want to be with you, even with all that. Actually, it might be harder for you to learn to live with yourself, than for her.

That might be your biggest problem now, learning to live with yourself, the way you are. Not that you can't change, but if you do want to change, learning to live with yourself the way you are might be part of what you need to do, to be able to change the way you want to.

I have some more ideas that might help (or not), if you're still looking for ideas.
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Re: Love <3

Postby jdidds » Tue Aug 05, 2014 7:35 am

And just like that, she said her goodbye.
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Re: Love <3

Postby Rivean » Tue Aug 05, 2014 12:51 pm

jdidds wrote:And just like that, she said her goodbye.


Cest la vie, my friend.
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Re: Love <3

Postby jimhabegger » Thu Aug 07, 2014 8:33 pm

Wow.
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